Tonight of all nights is the epitome of why I do what I do here in Lovin My Peeps.
Even though I don't do it very often,
To remember.
Some things are just worth charting down.....
to give you a fore ward,
I''ll let you know what's been on and off of Claire's mind lately....
Death.
She has been making random comments lately like
"Mommy I love you so much! Your the best mommy ever! Please don't die!"
''Would you be sad if I died?''
"Are you going to die soon?''
All to which I have answered plainly and truthfully
"No Mommy probably wont die for a long time but only God knows.
Of course I would be sad if you died!"
Sometimes it has been a bit all consuming and heavy for a four year old.
And I distract her into a generally lighter topic.
The beauty of being 4 is that distraction comes really easy and doesn't take much thought on my part.
I am not anxious or uneasy by these conversations ,
Nor am I surprised by the intelligence and complexity of her question.
She has always been sharp-witted,
And around our house, death is matter of factly spoken about.
Not often, but not discouraged.
We have had and lost many animals,
We have gone as a family to provide comfort to grieving friends with a lost love.
Basically pointedly incorporated little droplets of this reality into some of our exposures.
Because Jake and I wholeheartedly embrace that death affects us all repeatedly
throughout life
Until ultimately the passing of ourselves.
It's not a subject to be ignored.
It is the topic that springs our faith into salvation as we know it.
And so respectfully observe from time to time, all that is born, grows, evolves, cycles, then passes.
Leaves, seasons, animals, and so on
Including us.
All that to say that I had a most insightful and intellectual conversation with my
4 year old darling little Peep.
While mopping the kitchen floor,
I tell her
"Take the ball out, and I then we'll play with it together when I'm done."
Claire comes up with her usual style:
"Mommy I love you so much! Please don't die!'
Realizing that right now,
she loves me so much because I am going to be playing ball with her soon and that's just giddy,
I say my usual rhetoric
" Mommy is young and I probably wont die soon."
And in my head thinking 'go out child!'
"Only God knows Mommy right?"
"Yes. Only God knows."
So she decides to keep this ball rolling:
"When you die, can you please pray to God?'
"Honey I can't pray to God when I Die! I pray to him while I'm alive, then I won't have to pray to him, because I'll be with Jesus! That's why I pray to God now, because I want to be Jesus when I don't live here anymore."
still mopping, but wondering where this is going and why.
"Then when you die, you get to go to Jesus so you don't have to die forever?"
" That's right! He died for me and now I don't have to! You're so smart!"
And she is,
Because I have never given her those lines she just spoke.
Never in that order.
"How do you pray to God so you can be with Him Mom?"
She utters and my heart stops,
Because one thing I am passionate about,
Is not drilling her with words of conviction.
And I have been waiting for the next of my three kids to bring on this subject.
SO I thoughtfully scrub the floor and wait a moment
Pondering and ordering my words.
And the most curious thing happens:
She waits for an answer.
I know the answer, but its a bit unrehearsed and jumbled
Due to the enormous spotlight I've been thrust under.
"Well, you believe in God,
Believe in His son,
Believe He died and died for you,
And you tell Him!"
" Do we believe in Jesus Mommy?"
I can tell she means believe like other people believe in Easter Bunnies and Santa Claus
"Well, I do"
I say, casually and frankly, now looking at her.
"I do too because I LOVE Jesus!"
Then promptly says
"So what words do we say?"
Then again thinking up quick and understandable words
for a very comprehensive four year old,
Something very abrupt and typical happened.
She bellowed in the loudest groan ever:
" Silas, put that ball down!
Mom and Me aw goinna play when she's done moppin!
I Nevew said you could touch it."
and I swear she said it like a police officer performing an arrest.
The most demanding and pistol spitting attitude
That is the usual Claire.
And she was gone..
And despite my desire to sit her down and talk more about it,
I decided to wait.
And I was left to finish the 'floow moppin'
And settle in all the wonder that just happened.
Because I want this for her,
But I want it for her own,
Not mine.
And I believe in timing that is not my own.
Then I mop and marvel at how simple this process is for me,
Because of how complicated HE made it for himself.
"Believe On the Lord Jesus Christ and ye will be saved"
Not a mystery
Simple.
Belief.
It's all she HAS to know right now.
It spreads into the wonderful world of knowing and loving,
But ultimately begins with belief.
And though we as parents purpose to guide and teach,
Most assuredly continuing this conversation,
the heart of the matter is that the rest is between
God her Maker,
and herself.
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